On Self-doubt and Insecurity

Sometimes being the truth of who you are in the moment isn’t all that glamorous or encouraging…

But I’ll take that any day over pretending that “I got this under control”.

To me, my blog serves two purposes – one is to share and hopefully be helpful to the people I care about (that’s you). Two is to help me learn and discover/realize my own power and potential.

Today, this post feels like it will only serve the latter purpose, so if you’re short on time you totally don’t have to read this.

But if you gotta minute, then please, take a seat.

(Did that make you hungry? Sorry…)

Here’s what my life looks like at the moment…

I’m behind on my studies (like quuuite behind), my son is napping less during the day, I’m tired a lot (reason tbc), and I’m lacking a sense of “oomph” – which is the direct opposite of how I want myself and others to feel. Things aren’t really that bad. But what weighs on me is this lack of “oomph” – I can’t seem to shake it off – I just don’t have energy!

As I look deeper within, here’s my self-diagnosis:

I know the general direction of where I want to go, but that isn’t enough to help me make plans, think about my next steps, and what I want to achieve. Which is probably one reason I don’t feel energetic.

I’m so confused about whether I should set tangible goals or let my core desires guide me, or even know what it is that I truly desire. I’m suffering from wanting to be successful but also terribly afraid of what it means to be successful, I believe deep down that I can be successful professionally but I can’t imagine what a professional life would even look like for me.

My view of success has changed, but at times I still find it hard to imagine how to do it without climbing the corporate ladder or working in a “real” job from 9-5. I doubt whether I really have “what it takes” in terms of personal power or spiritual power, and whenever I try to imagine what it is I desire, I get totally dampened by seeing the line of successful women entrepreneurs online who are sassy, classy, smart and helping millions of people in meaningful ways. I can never compare to that! I love those women but I can’t imagine being like them even though a part of me totally desires to be like them.

Shocking isn’t it? I can’t believe I’m speaking it so openly. I can even imagine my own advice to myself:

• “It doesn’t matter what other people are doing, follow your own gifts and be yourself. How it manifests might not be how you imagine it to be, but be open to your unfolding. Trust in the greater wisdom of the universe.”
• “Even if you realize that you do want to be like those people, you gotta realize that you’re looking at the Chapter 20 in those people’s lives. You’re only in Chapter 1. Quit comparing!”
• “You probably have subconscious beliefs that are not in alignment with your conscious desires – until you figure out what those are, you will keep self-sabotaging.”
• “But don’t worry. Listen to your heart, tap into your inner wisdom. In time you will figure it out and know what to do.”
• “You might not know exactly what you want or how to get there, but it doesn’t matter. The path will appear as you walk. Keep walking and don’t over-think it.”

Wow I give good advice! (jokes) But honestly right now it’s all “blah blah blah…” I’ve no doubt others will have even better advice for me in this moment, but again… don’t really care.

As I write this I think I’m discovering the lesson…

At times people just need to tell you exactly who they are right now, they just want to be seen and heard without judgement, and that is enough. They don’t need advice that will help them get unstuck or feel better, even if that will benefit them in the future…

In that moment all people need is to be witnessed without judgement.

And that’s me in this moment!

I’m human, I can act inconsistently and contradict myself sometimes. I try to share with others what I believe is true but at times I have a hard time walking the walk. I’m all about empowerment and being the best expression of ourselves, but I have to admit at times I feel “not good enough” and get paralyzed by self-doubt.

But hey, that’s the truth. If I didn’t admit that I get bogged down by exactly the same things I write about (to not get bogged down about), that wouldn’t be telling the whole truth; or portraying the right picture of people in the “health and wellness” field.

Nobody’s perfect, if you think they are it’s because you’re only seeing a filtered version of their lives.

One of my teachers said:

“We often teach what we need to learn the most.”

And I think it’s 100% true. The stuff I talk about is the stuff I need to learn deeply.

So that’s the truth of the moment. I’m admitting my self-doubt and insecurity. And I’m OK with it.

I think that’s the way life is: No matter who you are, what you do, where you are in life – we humans are all fallible and fragile at times. Instead of hiding that, perhaps it makes more sense to show it and accept it, not to judge it and try to change it in that moment. That’s how we can start to embrace all of ourselves, not just the parts we approve.

Imagine if we didn’t fear failure, weakness or “looking bad” so much? Would we still be making the same choices? Imagine the creative potential that would flow through and the amount of happiness there would be? Wow.

Ooooo K.

I gotta tell you this has been a super useful post for me. Expressing feelings works for me. And if you’re still reading, Thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate it. It probably didn’t help you much but it sure helped me. LOVE.

(Here’s a token of my appreciation – some cuteness – thank you xx)